Work in progress. will get better. i promise.

Last night I lay splayed on the big couch in Dakota 205 with my lovely friends, recovering from an excessively long day at Swing's, with a steady stream of Kleenex floating from the box on the table to my nose to the bathroom. I must say that, in addition to being in transitory times and places, being sick and drugged up also provides me with weird moments of clarity.
This week, I have been pondering the ends, beginnings, and loose ends of relationships around me: what they mean, how we deal, how these same problems we create for ourselves seem to unite all of womankind. And why we involve ourselves in the first place. The things we miss out on when we focus on a relationship. And the things we gain. The things we glean.

As I said to Alysse and Katrina last night, I can only hope that the retrospective ridiculousness that I see in myself, when I was processing and normalizing a not-so-smart relationship and the subsequent breakup earlier this year, will eventually be a small price to pay for the experience, memory, and wisdom that I have gained from it.

1. So I have to ask, what do they mean, and why do we muddy our own lives so nonchalantly with problematic relationships with the opposite sex? To gain some insight, I asked my dad some questions while we were driving up to DC a few weeks ago. I had been talking about how much I loved living with Jenni this summer. The conversation went like this:

"Dad. I do not understand. I don't want to worry about getting married and being stable and whatever or being alone. Why can't I just live with Jen my whole life? It was so easy and wonderful. And she pushes me. Is that acceptable?"
"Laura, are you trying to tell me you are a lesbian?"
"Hah, if only. If Jenni and I were both lesbians and we fell in love I would be so happy. My life would be, like.. set. What is it that makes you want to work for something like that? It stresses me out sometimes. I hate that the world around me pushes me to want validation from a dude, in some way. Is that all it is? Validation? I guess recently I experienced the whole best-friend-in-a-dude thing at first, it was nice. Different. But why does it have to be more complicated than that? It isn't fair. I don't even want to think about it. Why do I need to spend my life with someone of the opposite sex? I love my best friends. That should be enough." (Sometimes I think that the fact that my parents met in high school makes me feel like a failure for not having found the same thing already. As a trade-off, my mom often says that I have an uncommon bond with my high school girlfriends. Which is totally fair.)
Dad took a second. Then he said, "I think you are forgetting the whole biological aspect to life there, Laura. Sorry."
Well, damn. Is that it? Is it biology? This innate, natural urge to procreate is what makes us turn ourselves inside out searching for the "right thing"? And then everything that comes along with this desire to be desired, or to be stable, or whatever - the emotional turmoil, the rejection, what Jenni would call "the rat race" for attention, the competition, the forgetting of all things that previously seemed important for sake of pursuing a "potential something" with a dude. Granted, this dude is probably really cute and all. But what do we really want to get out of it?
In the past, I have been confused by friends of mine who think marriage is a dumb idea but still pursue relationships with men. This leads me to wonder, what is our goal in putting ourselves through this?

Currently, in my brain, I can identify two schools of thought. The first: our ultimate goal is to be in a stable, loving relationship with a person of the opposite sex that lasts and lasts. Does this goal come from a biological need, or are we told by everything around us that it's right? The messages we get as women are so confusing. We are supposed to be independent and fine and smart and motivated and happy, but still want to be in a relationship. Is that the goal? As if everything is so easy once that happens? I wonder what life is like for men. In general.

The second: because, I don't know, we want to have fun?

On Facebook, I saw a bumper sticker with a quote from Sex and the City: "Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with." I think it's credited to Charlotte.

The fun stems, ultimately, from sex. The love part also seems to stem from sex. Why is it that no matter how hard we try to pretend men and women are the same, we still have to form these distinctions at the most basic level? That my relationships with women will only be friendships and with my male friends there will always be some strange semblance of sexual recognition or even tension?

At this point, I must say that I have a problem with using the phrase "only friendships" or "just friends." I don't mean to use it. I said this to Sam earlier this summer, that friendships are highly underrated and that being "just friends" is really underwriting the magnitude and importance of a relationship! I can't even begin to describe how important my Just Friends are to me! I could not live without them!

So why does it change a relationship with another person when sex in any form is involved? Why does is it suddenly easy to be wronged? Expectations are strange. Why are we so afraid to either "tie ourselves down" to another person in that way? I never say "No, thanks," to a new friend. Why are these things so complicated?

What scares me also is that relationships to other people, no matter how much I analyze and categorize and normalize them, sort them, file them away, are still comprised of very human beings. We make choices and who knows why? Our culture seems to push us to do things for strange, irrational reasons, painting pictures of unconditional and all-encompassing LOVE.

Or are they rational?
Are we hard-wired to experience and feel as much as we can?
Is that it?

2. How do we deal?

3. The things we miss out on when we focus on a relationship.

4. And the things we gain from a relationship that has ended.

5. The things we glean from the whole experience.