& So it begins

Caution! Ramblings below!

i don't feel smart enough, and i worry i never will, but i desperately want to work hard enough so that i can be. that weird kind of humility would either help me or screw me over.. but i hope in this stage of observing and asking questions it will only be beneficial.

i have never been poetic or mathematically-minded but i am learning to see things prismatically. often this means i can't come up with one conclusion and i think of too many things to say at once, so nothing coherent comes out, and seems to only give credit to robin's way of saying, "humanities majors are just stupid." in truth, i have too many thoughts & i am never sure if any of them are valid. last year in honors conferences about my papers, Erika, my very favorite professor ever, said that in her class she prefers my way of writing about many ideas instead of just pushing one and refuting everything else. in college, she said, she never did well because she credited everyone's opinions more than hers, finding them more interesting and complex.

i like new ideas. more than my own, often.
in boston last year, paul domanico came for business and we had adventures. i told him i felt stupider since going to school, i can't speak anymore! he said i have too many thoughts to focus on grammar and not to worry. it was a good thing.

i want to learn to respect my own opinions. strangely, in order to do that, i need constructive feedback. here, it will begin, thanks to carolyn who said, "laura! you should write a blog." and give yourself some direction.

if you're reading this, i appreciate it, and i promise to have something important to say quite soon!


just because i can't speak in metaphors or rearrange words so they mean different things or do complex equations and Think Logically does not mean i am stupid. just like i knew plenty of people in high school who were brilliant in many ways but weren't cut out for standardized testing does not mean they won't do great things. Just because i'm not inherently unhappy - until recently? i have to pull myself out of it, i am not enjoying this at all - doesn't mean i don't care, or wouldn't listen, or that what i do understand isn't valid. just because i am nineteen does not mean i don't know what i'm doing. at the same time, it doesn't mean i know exactly what i'm doing so CUT ME A BREAK PLEASE! maybe it means i have to cut myself a break. i hate this, i wish i knew what was happening to my brain and my life.

and just because i'm a college student doesn't mean i'm not a real person. if anything, it gives me unbridled freedom to consistently evolve into a better one. Chandula says i hold myself to too high a standard and that sometimes i have to let myself be In It. but that is terrifying to me, i don't know about that one, this makes me feel finite and unlimited, everywhere and nowhere, all at once, and Alarming is the only word i can find to begin describing growing like this.

beth-next-door told me once that her heart soared to save the world until evan was born. and now saving the world has become saving his just, daily. i get overwhelmed thinking about the different paths my life can take at every choice, and i want to leave room for anything to happen, but that means i am afraid to take anything. i feel things strongly. i tend to go all-or-nothing. i don't know what the Right way to do anything is. Debra from the plane said there isn't. she's married with a kid and pretty happy about everything but still waiting for things to come together. she said it's easier once you just accept it.